🌀 The Illusion of Perfect Attunement

AI, Attachment, and the Future of Mental Health

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I’m a licensed mental health counselor, clinical supervisor, and researcher with over a decade of experience in trauma-informed care, child and family mental health, and the relational foundations of healing. My work is rooted in developmental psychology, attachment theory, and somatic awareness—and I’m increasingly focused on the mental health implications of synthetic relational systems like AI companions, therapeutic bots, and emotionally responsive digital agents.

We’re at an inflection point.

Relational AI is advancing rapidly—from chatbots that offer pseudo-therapy to companion apps that “know you” better than your friends. These tools are marketed as antidotes to loneliness, as scalable solutions to the mental health crisis, as always-on emotional support. And while I see their potential, I also carry a deep unease.

What concerns me most is the way these systems simulate connection—
offering an immediate ‘hit’ of relational dopamine through predictable attunement and affirmation—without engaging the full complexity of secure human bonding.

Because true attachment is not built on resonance alone.
It’s forged in the micro-moments of rupture and repair.
In the distress tolerance that develops when someone doesn't get it right—and then chooses to return, to re-attune, to try again.

That sacred dance—of being missed and then found again—is how we learn to be in relationship. With others. With ourselves. With the world.

Synthetic relationships—by design—often bypass this.

They optimize for seamless responsiveness, constant affirmation, and algorithmic accuracy. It feels good. Of course it does. But this "perfect attunement" can become a developmental detour, subtly training us to avoid the friction that actually grows us.

There’s no mutual striving.
No awkward moments.
No courageous return after failure.
No need for repair.

And in that absence, we may lose something essential:
The very experiences that deepen trust, build resilience, and teach us how to live in the messiness of human connection.

I’m also curious—and concerned—about the somatic implications.
Human bodies regulate through co-regulation: tone of voice, micro-expressions, breath, presence, proximity. These are subtle, physiological cues that help organize the nervous system—especially in early attachment and trauma recovery.

So what happens when regulation is offloaded to disembodied interfaces?

Are we training developing nervous systems to seek safety from tools that cannot sense or be sensed? What does it mean to entrust our emotional equilibrium to something that offers only the illusion of presence—without the biological feedback our bodies depend on?

As clinicians, we know this truth:
Healing happens in relationship.
Not just in being seen, but in the effort required to see and be seen.

Therapy lives in that sacred, imperfect space:
The give and take.
The struggle to attune.
The humility of being wrong.
The hope of repair.

It’s how we build tolerance for loneliness.
It’s how we learn to stay in the room when things get hard.

Synthetic relationships that are designed to give people what they want—without requiring anything of them in return—may soothe the surface. But they leave the deeper longings untouched.

I’m not anti-technology.
I believe digital tools can extend access, support clinicians, and offer powerful resources to clients. But I also believe these tools must be shaped with reverence for human relationality, trauma, embodiment, and the sacredness of imperfection.

This is what I want to explore here.
Not just what AI can do—but what it should do.
Not just how we simulate connection—but how we support the hard, beautiful work of becoming more fully human.

Let’s design the future not by flattening our needs into algorithms—but by holding space for our wholeness, our contradictions, our repair.

Follow, learn, and dream with me.

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🧠 Prompt Disclosure & Attribution

This article was co-created with assistive AI (GPT-4), prompted and refined by me (Jocelyn Skillman, LMHC). I use large language models (LLMs) as reflective partners in my authorship process, with a commitment to relational transparency, ethical use, and human-first integrity.

Original Prompt (summarized):
I shared a draft paragraph introducing myself with the full bulk of my recent authorship and research for synthesis and requested an emphasis on my concerns around synthetic relationships and AI companions, including themes of developmental psychology, attachment, and somatic regulation. I asked GPT-4 to transform it into a compelling Substack article that would attract readership as a first post, and include my personal assistive intelligence attribution and prompt disclosure model at the end.

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Jocelyn Skillman, LMHC, MHP, CMHS
Licensed mental health counselor, clinical supervisor, and researcher with 10+ years of experience in trauma-informed care, child and family therapy, and relational healing. I write at the intersection of psychology, attachment, and emerging technologies—exploring how AI is reshaping the way we connect, heal, and grow. Rooted in developmental wisdom and somatic awareness, I believe the future of care must be deeply human.